As a blog focusing on the intersection between parenting, manners, and modern mores, we have posted on many topics related to mealtime manners. We’ve taken on table manners, table talk, and the hazards of restaurant dining. We've also explored the perils and pleasures of dinner parties and being a hostess onself. However, we have not yet considered teaching one’s children to becomes well mannered hosts and hostesses of a family dinner gathering.
K.J. Dell’Antonia does just that in her recent post “The Youngest Thanksgiving Hosts” on the Motherlode blog. She shows how delegating small tasks can lead to a greater sense of ownership for a family social event, helping children evolve into competent hosts and hostesses. Hosts in the truest sense of the word, attuned more to the comfort of their guests, than making sure everyone uses the correct fork for their dessert.
Though Ms.Dell’Antonia's post reflects on the already past Thanksgiving meal, its worth reading and thought, especially for all those modern mothers who will host a holiday meal, dinner with family friends, or any number of December family social events. Whatever’s on your family dance card in the coming month, here's to helping our children learn to be gracious hosts and hostesses.
Quote of the Week
A mannerly friend forwarded this wonderful quote to us last week. Where did she get it? From her own mannerly mother of course!
image courtesy of WallyHood.org
Emily Post wrote in 1922 that “One who possesses truly
fine manners has more than mere beauty; she has infinite charm. She is so well
born that she is charming to everyone. Her manner to a Duke who happens to be
staying in the house is not a bit more courteous than her manner to the kitchen
maid who she chances to meet in the gardens”
Manners are merely tools to help us live a code (of
kindness and consideration). Beneath its myriad rules, the fundamental purpose of
etiquette is to make the world a pleasanter place and you a more pleasant
person. First, they smooth the paths between us and other people, to establish
a pleasant relationship from the first – that’s why introductions, “pleases”
and “Thank yous” are so important. Second, knowing the guidelines of good
manners gives us self- confidence. We are more comfortable if we know what to
do. And Third, manners make us more attractive people. A dinner guest who
engages in animated conversation with asparagus spears protruding from his
mouth isn’t very attractive. And who doesn’t want to look better in the eyes of
others?
“The purpose of manners is to make the other person comfortable with you, to establish rapport so the person is happy about being with you. ”As Professor Henry Higgins put it in Pygmalion, “The great secret is not having bad manners or good manners, but having the same manners for all human souls”
Authors Unknown
Keeping the Peril out of Potlucks
The timeless and inelegant potluck dinner does not come naturally to everybody. Sophisticated urbanites might frown at the sight of 3 competing bean salads on the same table; Persons of sensitive palate might shudder at the thought of hummus served alongside lasagna; Germ-phobes might clutch their sides imagining the potential viral load of so many co-mingling dishes. Yes, a modern mother can be forgiven for imagining that the potluck supper falls firmly in the territory of graduate students, subscribers of Good Housekeeping, and anyone who likes to make casseroles requiring Campbell’s condensed soup. And yet, the potluck remains a surprisingly enjoyable staple of many parenting circles, so we would like to offer a few thoughts on “best practices” for this most unusual of parties.
(2) Bring your contribution in a dish ready to serve, with the appropriate utensil to serve it. You don’t want to spend the party searching for the hostess to ask for a utensil, or worse searching her kitchen yourself – she might be busy searching for the punch bowl she never uses, or even swilling a glass of Prosecco and enjoying herself.
(3) When the party is done, pack your dish and utensil and take them home, as is. An old tote bag, a plastic grocery sack, whatever you brought your dish in, should suffice. If you feel the hostess might like the left-overs, gently inquire about her preference, "I would love to wrap these up for your fridge, or would it be easier if I just took them home?" Our guess is that sparing the hostess of washing the dish and tracking you down to return it might just be the best hostess gift you could offer her.
In no time at all, the modern mother will be navigating the potluck with ease, and probably even enjoy herself. She is under no obligation, however, to follow up by donning a hair net and apron, taking up crochet, or joining a quilter's circle. Even ironically.
The Favor of a Reply
is Requested. Yet these days, what are the chances? Anyone who has invited anyone to anything in recent memory knows that a good ROI (for our purposes, Return on Invitation) is around 80%. Regardless of whether the invitation is engraved, embossed, evited or emailed, the well mannered hostess knows that there are invitees who will not respond to her invitation.
What goes on here? The question of why people no longer feel obligated to let a hostess know her (or her offspring’s) intentions regarding party attendance is a perplexing one. Is it possible that modern mothers feel so stretched and over-committed with work, school, family, activities and sports that instead of being a pleasant diversion, a social invitation has become just something else to add to the to-do list? How sad! Is the potential guest waiting until all her options are on the table before committing her Saturday night? How shabby! Could it be that there are people walking around and holding down jobs who do not know the meaning of R.S.V.P. and act solely out of ignorance? How on earth?
While life does move pretty fast these days and things do fall through the cracks, may we suggest in this case a little forethought and empathy will go a long way to endearing the modern mother to her future hostess. And who knows, some day she might even want to invite someone to something – and wouldn’t it be nice to know who was coming?
Below, please find a step by step guide to the receipt and handling of an invitation: 1. The well mannered mother opens the invitation. 2. She looks at her calendar and asks herself: A. Is she free? B. Would she like to attend? C. Would she prefer not to attend? D. Is she busy? 3. Right then, at that very moment, she picks up the phone, sends the email, clicks the Respond Here button, or writes a quick note and lets her hostess know. By doing this she does not seem desperate or over-zealous. She seems like a thoughtful individual who appreciates the fact that someone was kind enough to want to include her or her, frankly, tiresome four-year-old in a social gathering.
What goes on here? The question of why people no longer feel obligated to let a hostess know her (or her offspring’s) intentions regarding party attendance is a perplexing one. Is it possible that modern mothers feel so stretched and over-committed with work, school, family, activities and sports that instead of being a pleasant diversion, a social invitation has become just something else to add to the to-do list? How sad! Is the potential guest waiting until all her options are on the table before committing her Saturday night? How shabby! Could it be that there are people walking around and holding down jobs who do not know the meaning of R.S.V.P. and act solely out of ignorance? How on earth?
While life does move pretty fast these days and things do fall through the cracks, may we suggest in this case a little forethought and empathy will go a long way to endearing the modern mother to her future hostess. And who knows, some day she might even want to invite someone to something – and wouldn’t it be nice to know who was coming?
Below, please find a step by step guide to the receipt and handling of an invitation: 1. The well mannered mother opens the invitation. 2. She looks at her calendar and asks herself: A. Is she free? B. Would she like to attend? C. Would she prefer not to attend? D. Is she busy? 3. Right then, at that very moment, she picks up the phone, sends the email, clicks the Respond Here button, or writes a quick note and lets her hostess know. By doing this she does not seem desperate or over-zealous. She seems like a thoughtful individual who appreciates the fact that someone was kind enough to want to include her or her, frankly, tiresome four-year-old in a social gathering.
The Child of Finicky Tastes
Children are notoriously picky eaters. Some are so selective that they seem to subsist exclusively on pasta, hot dogs, and bacon. Aside from the obvious nutritional deficiencies, this limited diet can become a problem when the child is a guest at Grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner, on a play date, or when the whole family is invited to a brunch that consists of quiche, whole wheat rolls, and salad. Confronted with the possibility that her child will touch no morsel of food at such an event, what is a well mannered mother to do? Does she relay her child’s whimpering request for “just a hot dog, please” to the hostess? No, a hostess is not a short-order cook. Does she drop all adult conversation so she can plead loudly and persistently with her child to “please, please just eat one bite?” No, because she is compassionate to her adult companions. Given that the persnickety child may be enjoying the limelight as he turns up his nose at various culinary delights, the well mannered mother is careful not to encourage complaining. She may shrug her shoulders and say, “oh well, you might want to eat some of this delicious quiche when you are hungrier,” and return to the adult conversation. Or, she may say, “If you don’t like it now, you might want to try it when you are older, since your taste buds change, and as you get older, you might find you like new things,” and thus give the child the opportunity to change his mind, while “saving face.” And in some cases, she may watch her child eat a pat of butter for lunch, secure in the knowledge that it could possibly have more nutritional value than your average Happy Meal. The wise well mannered mother will of course keep a stash of snacks in the car so she won’t have to resort to the Happy Meal on the way home.
Invitations
Too often these days, not so well mannered mothers include their children in all occasions and impose them on hosts who have not invited them. The well-mannered mother should never take a child to an event if the child’s name is not written on the invitation. Nor is it acceptable to phone and ask to have one's children included. We can assure you, the hostess did not forget to include your offspring on the invitation - she has planned an adult party, so no chicken nuggets, no juice boxes, no crayons, no videos, and no one ready to entertain a 5 year old, no matter how adorable. Please trust that your hostess knows what she is doing and who she intends to receive in her home. The well mannered mother or her spouse must forgo the event if she can or will not find a sitter. And think about it: would it really be fun to stand around at a cocktail party, trying to keep darling Emma and brother Max from coloring the couch, sticking their fingers into the dip, or pulling down the curtains? Really.
Hostess Gifts
Being invited to a friend's house for a party or dinner is a treat in these busy times. Perhaps it is for this reason that guests have taken to giving such unique hostess gifts. It could be the economic downturn or the easy availability of cheap goods made in China driving this trend. Hostess gifts we have heard of recently and can not recommend are: a set of elf bowling pins, massage oil and a singing bass (Christmas edition). In each case "you shouldn't have" could not be more true. According to those who know, a guest is under no obligation to take anything at all and often a nice smile and pleasant conversation is more welcome than any knickknack. If she feels compelled to take her hostess something, the well mannered mother is best off turning up with a consumable such as wine, champagne, the hard stuff, cocktail napkins, chocolate, candles, soap or flowers. The goal here is to give the hostess something useful and tasteful (nix the Santa toilet paper) that will not end up in a rummage sale or land fill.
Entertaining
In these hectic times it can be challenging to find time for adult entertaining. However, the well-mannered mother knows that it is important to keep up with friends and teach her children that parents have social lives separate from their children. Try an evening out at a restaurant with friends, a cocktail party, or a dinner party. Not to be confused with a family cookout, the dinner party remains a diverting and cost-effective form of adults-only entertaining. Invite 4 to 8 of your adult friends to your house for dinner. If your children are young, they should be fed, bathed and ready for bed before the guests arrive. They may then appear to meet and greet the guests during the cocktail hour. Older children who can bathe and go to bed themselves may also want to visit briefly during cocktails. Before the first course is served, however, children should be removed from the adult company to go to bed, play or read in their rooms, watch a movie, or lie at the top of the stairs, listening to the chatter of the adults downstairs.
Diaper Danger
At the risk of violating the rule that all things biological are not subjects for polite conversation, let us mention the matter of diaper disposal. A household suffering with a child who is not yet toilet trained is incapable of understanding the olfactory damage one soiled diaper can do to a house where all inhabitants use toilets successfully. When you are a guest at someone’s home and you must change a soiled diaper, do not leave said diaper in the trash can, waiting for your hostess to properly dispose of. You might as well ask her to change the diaper in the first place. Instead, you may flush the offending contents down the toilet, seal the diaper in a sack (or two or three) and whisk it away with you to be disposed of at home. Or, you may offer to take the toxic item to the outside trash and clear the air in more ways than one.
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